For Exasperated Parents: “Just Tell Me What to Say”

April 19th, 2009

Tattling. Nose picking. Noncompliance. Back talk. That’s what’s going on in my house these days. And, well, if I’ve had enough sleep the night before, none of these are too big a deal. But, I’ve also run out of ideas for handling them. Yes, my 2-1/2— and 4-year-old have outwitted me again.

Frankly, sometimes I don’t get why they do what they do. The tattling, for instance. Do you really need to report on every little thing or possible almost-gonna-happen transgression your little brother is doing?  Yes, she does. Betsy Brown Braun, author of “Just Tell Me What to Say: Sensible Tips and Scripts for Perplexed Parents,” has filled me in: My daughter needs to make clear to me that she knows the rules, even if her little bro doesn’t. My new response — in lieu of the lengthy explanations I am known to dole out (another Braun tip: Get to the point): “Oh. That’s not something I need to know. I only need to know about emergencies, which are X, Y and Z.”

Braun has just the right amount of humor to stir in with her guide to handling those perplexing moments our kids throw at us. She’s got some good experience to bolster her advice: mom to triplets (!), teacher, preschool director, child development specialist. So, she’s seen it all in terms of kid behavior. Braun broaches other bigger topics, too: Sex, babies, death, divorce, and disasters. But, most simply, the book is reinforcement of the things you always knew, and is just a good reminder for those of us who are taxed and tired, but too weary to look at situations from a new perspective or in need of new techniques for the day-to-day situations and issues. Don’t give in to whining. Don’t argue with them. Tolerate but don’t indulge tantrums (or, as friends of mine like to say, “Don’t negotiate with a terrorist.”). Different ages, different limits. Diversionary tactics.

I also appreciate her suggestions instilling a sense of their own accomplishment into your child — instead of always seeking someone else’s approval; remembering that discipline is about teaching the limits that lead to self-discipline; I also like (need!) the “end of discussion” techniques — I never knew a 4 year old could belabor something so long and attack it from so many angles just get her way — and the compliance without counting techniques.

My husband rolls his eyes at these kinds of reads. And truly, you should take from any parenting book only what works for your family or fits with your philosophies. But, after being home with the kids all day, I often feel I’ve run the gauntlet of my techniques. This book is the breath of fresh air that will keep my from having mommy moments.

— Mama Kate

Entry Filed under: Books,family,kids,mom,parenting,toddler